DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
when revenge coincides with naptime
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet