How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait