@UnFitz

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

- @UnFitz

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@Cyd10e

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

@Ideal_Victoria

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@geekysteven

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

@TrueTorontoGirl

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.