“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
This is I, Robot all over again
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.