How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
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I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Now this is how you LinkedIn
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Bro what is this
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.