How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.


[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?



Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space


who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life


Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.


I walked almost all the way home before remembering that I’d driven to work, if you want to know how I’ve been walking those 10,000 steps everyday.


I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.


*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.


If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.