@iGreenGod

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

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@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

@Reverend_Scott

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

@_Mo_lee_

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

@sparticus_af

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

@sharpular

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

@NaomiSeu

I walked almost all the way home before remembering that I’d driven to work, if you want to know how I’ve been walking those 10,000 steps everyday.

@unravelingfire

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@notmythirdrodeo

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.