All you need is love.
and health insurance.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
me: my hot water doesn’t work
landlord: not my domain
firelord: nor mine
waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS
me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work
waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber