How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

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All you need is love.

and groceries.
and health insurance.
and heat.
and whatnot.


If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.


If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad


*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one


Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog


“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes


“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”


Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.


me: my hot water doesn’t work

landlord: not my domain

firelord: nor mine

me: what

waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS

me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work

waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber