How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.