How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

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Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no


6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.


Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.


[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year


Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you


Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid


NEW TEACHER: i’m mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, “baes” and “fams.” i’m not your “squad” and this isn’t “goals.” this is english class, where we speak correctly. “sorry not sorry.”

STUDENT: mr jones


STUDENT: that was lit


Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.




Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.