Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid
NEW TEACHER: i’m mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, “baes” and “fams.” i’m not your “squad” and this isn’t “goals.” this is english class, where we speak correctly. “sorry not sorry.”
STUDENT: mr jones
STUDENT: that was lit
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.