@sixthformpoet

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

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@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.

@PastorBate

Dear diary,

Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person

My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear

@peteec

Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.

@_davidlucas_

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

@minkpinkustink

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

@CroweJam

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

@northcoastkevin

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

Follow me for more life pro tips.