How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

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Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.


It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.


Dear diary,

Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person

My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear


Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.


Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.


it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing


Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.


If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

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