How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Found my door mat
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?