‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”