‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay