@kendragaylord

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

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@SkinnerSteven

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

@roxiqt

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

@MaybePileJokes

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

@jonnysun

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

@AnOrangeSNES

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

@chrisanna4real

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.