How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)