How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry