Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother