How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either