(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.