@AnnietheNanny1

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

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@TheThomason

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

@VerifiedDrunk

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren‚ÄĒWHAT?!

@copymama

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

@Dustinkcouch

me: i liked that movie ūüôā

The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book

me: oh ok

The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book

me: i really liked the score ūüôā

The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn’t have music

@kumailn

“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5

@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@PinkCamoTO

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

@sageboggs

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter