How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?