How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
pelicons
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If you know, you know