“How many people work at your company?”
About half of them.

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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!


Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.


I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.


If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.


Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark


Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”


*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*

Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s


Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”