friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
This made me smile…
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.