@BoogTweets

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

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@claire_mudie

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory ūüôĀ

@envydatropic

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@rgay

I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice.

@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

@Sickayduh

Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]

@sixthformpoet

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

@zachreinert03

When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’

@irreligiousorg

You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.