How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?