How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines