How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat