The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
You Might Also Like
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Yes, but it was never about money
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.