@peterjames48

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

@vladsavov

The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.

@skittle624

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

@alispagnola

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@shkeeber

Mom: Why are you eating my flowers?

Me: I’m gonna be young FOREVER!

Mom: How?

Me: Duh, from the stem cells.

Mom: I’m worried about you.

@DaveVescio

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.