@peterjames48

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

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@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@Poutymcgee

*takes a long drag from a cigarette

*points at your baby

What’s wrong with your dog?

@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

@Manda_like_wine

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

@murrman5

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

@peaceintruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

@Book_Krazy

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

@SortaBad

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*