*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Mom: Why are you eating my flowers?
Me: I’m gonna be young FOREVER!
Me: Duh, from the stem cells.
Mom: I’m worried about you.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
He just sat there.
Like a Psychopath.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend