Chaos in the UK.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
*takes a long drag from a cigarette
*points at your baby
What’s wrong with your dog?
Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*