How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.