@TheTweetOfGod

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a cab?

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@Divergentmama

“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

@AndyAsAdjective

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

@JasonLastname

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

@jazz_inmypants

cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry

@Contwixt

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

@JerseyRambo

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

@Reel2Dialog2

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

@RickyFabiyi

Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!