How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
you have three unread messages
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3