How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”