How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
You Might Also Like
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.