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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Always…
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
This checks out
At least he brought enough for everyone
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.