How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend

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[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?


Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.


a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke


[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA


If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.


For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.


For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.


Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.