[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Everybody shoots Cupid with an arrow.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.