Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
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learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”