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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas