How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

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A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!


I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.


Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life


Friend: what’s it like having kids?

Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.

Friend: that’s not so bad.

Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.


Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL


Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.


I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently