A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
You’re the she to my nanigans.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Friend: what’s it like having kids?
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Calling a girl “honey” is ok.
Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.
I’m a relationship expert.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
“Fiona, You up?”