How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

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I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.


I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.


A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.


Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.


[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”


“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”


I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.


Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?


How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?