I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?