How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.