@TheBoydP

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

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@Robert_Fultz

I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.

@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@_SingleBabyMama

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

@bridger_w

Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@rolldiggity

I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.

@TheBoydP

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

@KentWGraham

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?