@kimtopher22

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Confession: the entire time when I was forming the earth, I was using asteroids.

@Dawn_M_

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

@weinerdog4life

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

@AdviceFromDino

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

@rickolantern

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

@aimlessamers

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

@ceejoyner

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

@dadopotamus

Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.

@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

@TheBoydP

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…