How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Nomnomnomnom
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda