“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]