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@SirEviscerate

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

@Papa_Mex

On the way in a fox ran across the road ahead of me…I slowed down pretty quick cuz i knew a bunch of English dudes on horses were next…

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@fuzzlime

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

@tree_bro

“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.

@trims_the_fat

I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.

I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date

Much more satisfying.

@SentenceReduced

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

@elizaskinner

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

@robfee

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.