I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families