Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”