Mornin. * use accordingly
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Stop sending me this shit.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
THIS HEADLINE
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.