How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.