How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*