How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY