@Elizasoul80

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

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@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@PatsATweetin

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@passthewhine_44

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@david8hughes

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

@moose_chocolate

Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.

#bt140

@DaddyJew

Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”

@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.