How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.


People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.


day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt


People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire


My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2


I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.


Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?


Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.



Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”


Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.