How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!

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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party


Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…


Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.


[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.


Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?


Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.


Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.


[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh