Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
How much for that babysitter?
Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape
I’ll take it!
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Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…
Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Her: so u play piano?
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano