i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Ah yes. The three genders
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.