@jdforshort

How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!

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@anerdonfire2

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

@SouthrnPinUpMom

Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…

@Twisted_Mettle

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

@Smug_Lemur

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

@rubyetc

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

@krustythe_klown

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

@BoomBoomBetty

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

@huntigula

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh