How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Me trying to reach for my goals
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk