How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
You Might Also Like
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.