How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
honestly, i need both:
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Something Saturday.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.