“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Best seat on the street 馃槏
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
How to properly lift a body
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It鈥檚 a temple to Dionysus
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Please don鈥檛 call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.