[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
*stands by cucumbers at grocery store
*hides by baby carrots
*gets ego boost
Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”
Honey I’m home from Costco.
“You didn’t buy anything stupid this time?”
[looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack]
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.
That doesn’t even make sense.