@Busocco

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

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@iwearaonesie

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

@shutupmikeginn

Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck

@stevevsninjas

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@ComradTwitty

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

@smhsid

i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

@PatsATweetin

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again