How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me: