*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again