@Busocco

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

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@RdrJay47

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

@FSUSteve

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

@batkaren

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

@liveluvlaugh65

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

@Roxtalled

*stands by cucumbers at grocery store

*feels intimidated

*hides by baby carrots

*gets ego boost

@Cllnsn

Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”

@thatUPSdude

Honey I’m home from Costco.

“You didn’t buy anything stupid this time?”

[looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack]

Define stupid?

@markysumm

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

@TheCatWhisprer

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

@CanadianCyn

This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.

That doesn’t even make sense.