-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
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MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.