“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?