How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

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date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon


A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away


You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?


Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.


lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018


You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.


Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.


Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough