How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Haha good job!!
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation