@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

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@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@KevinFarzad

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

@InternetHippo

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

@MinaWorldPeace

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

@Spaziotwat

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

@eff_yeah_steph

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

@TheSharona06

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

@LlamaInaTux

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics