5 just asked me for a Magic 8 Ball and you know I’m going to get it for her; so she can finally ask all her questions to something that isn’t me
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
IT HAS A NAME!
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv
Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.