How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

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So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?


The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.


A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”


My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!


SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…


[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”


MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.


My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.